March 17, 2010

"Share your spoken wealth
Share your body's health
I need it more than I need myself"

I need the help and the support of other people than I actually even realize. Even as I type this, I feel myself more of an incredibly independent person who can get by on his own. I love my privacy, and I love my solidarity. I tell myself every day that I can make it on my own, and others are just more people that can hurt me or they're just friends who I eventually will let down. I distance myself to protect myself, but more importantly other people. I don't want them to share these... pains inside my head.

The smallest acts of kindness, although I may not show it, are appreciated to the fullest extent by me.

My childhood friend recently left to study abroad. He was my partner in crime for the most part and he was one of the few people who had a sense of curious adventure that I had. At his going away party, he sat me down and gave it to me straight. I don't remember what the exact words were, but it was to the extent of me living for myself instead of other people first for a change. Now I don't know if it was just because I had a couple too many adult beverages, but something hit me like the warmth of the sun on a bright summer morning.

I just began to break down, taken back by what my childhood friend had just told me. There is no better confirmation that you exist, than to know that you've made an impact on someone else. And in a sense, that's really all I strive for. This was probably the first time I've really cried in close to three years. For the longest time, I thought I'd forgotten how to cry. I would sit up late at night trying to remember what the feeling felt like, and how much peace it brought me.

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